This is my story.
It was Thursday, January 6, about
4:30PM. I went to the bathroom, and found bright, fresh blood. I was on the
phone with my mother-in-law, so I quickly made an excuse to hang up. Yes, I
talk on the phone while I use the bathroom. I quickly called Trevor in and
showed him. I put on a pad, waited 10 minutes, and went back to the bathroom. The
blood was still coming. I came out and simply said, “I’m going.”
On my way to the hospital, I
talked to my mom, and she graciously talked about other things so I could stay
calm and not get too upset. I checked in to ER, and waited probably 3 hrs to be
taken into a room. I had some cold symptoms, so I was stuck outside in the
COVID tent.
When I got to a room, a very kind
nurse drew my blood, administered a COVID test, and asked several questions. We
joked about the show “Battle Bots” that was on the TV in my room. I met briefly
with the ER doctor, and waited about 3 more hrs to receive an ultrasound. It
took so long, I was convinced that this had to be nothing. I would laugh about
this later, and had nothing to worry about. The ultrasound tech was silent
throughout her procedure. A little while later, the ER doctor came in and gave
me the horrible and completely surprising news.
No heartbeat. Baby measured 13
weeks. I was supposed to be 15 weeks the next day. A gynecologist came in to
explain my options, and what to do now. Amidst my sobbing and running nose, my
nose began pouring out blood as well. I was exhausted and starving. It was now
about 1am, and I hadn’t eaten since lunch. I decided to go home.
Trevor came and picked me up,
with the help of a good friend, since I had driven myself to the hospital. I
cried so much that night and the following day that my eyes burned. Over the
next several days, I came to learn that having a deceased infant in your womb
is not an emergency. I could have a procedure on Wednesday the next week, if I
didn’t have spontaneous miscarriage before then.
Trevor’s mother flew in Saturday,
and I sighed deep relief, knowing that someone was here to take care of the
kids if anything else happened. Six days after I found out my baby had passed
away, I was finally taken in for outpatient surgery, and my baby’s body was
removed.
If I ended the story here, this
would be a horrifying tragedy. But I have another story to tell you.
This is God’s story.
Rewind to Thursday at 4:30 PM. As
I left for the hospital, I said a quick prayer. “Lord, whatever happens today.
I promise to glorify and honor you. No matter what.”
As I laid my head on my pillow
after coming home from the ER Thursday night, eyes swollen with tears, these
verses came to mind. “The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the
Lord.” “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love
God and are called according to His purpose.”
Over the next few days, the
weight of those truths began to settle in. God has taken tragedy and struggle
in my life before, and molded it and used it for His glory and my good. I
walked through years of deep depression and anxiety early in our marriage, all
the while asking God, “Why are you allowing this?” Since then, I have been able
to counsel many going through mental illness, and show them that you can be a
Christian, and go to counseling and take psychiatric medications. God also
taught me a great deal about relying on Him, instead of my own strength.
So when I found out my baby was
gone, I knew very quickly that this was for a purpose, and was not a waste. Did
it suck realizing I had gone through an entire first trimester of horrible
sickness to no avail? Yes. A thousand times yes. But again, I know even that
had a purpose.
At one point, I even said to
Trevor, “This is why good theology matters!” Knowing that God is sovereign over
all, and that His glory is what matters above all puts everything in perspective.
Teaching and learning these truths of God isn’t so we can say we’re so smart,
it is so we can face miscarriage and still proclaim, “God is enough. God is
good. He will get us through this.”
The morning before Trevor and I
left to go to the hospital for my surgery, I talked to the kids about what was
happening. I said, “I’m going to the hospital, so the doctor can take the
baby’s body out of Mama’s tummy. It’s just the baby’s body though. Do you know
where the baby’s heart and mind are?” Scarlett said, “Heaven!” I know Scripture
is not 100% clear about the final destination of infants, but I believe in a
good God who has made a good decision regarding them. I also wanted to teach my
kids the sanctity of life, that it was a real life child in me, that it has a
soul (heart & mind), and that it was not going to be hurt by the doctor.
We have had many blessings during
this time. The fact that Trevor’s mother was able to come for a week was a huge
burden off my shoulders, as she was able to watch the kids, cook, and clean for
me. I am also quite grateful that this miscarriage was not with my first
pregnancy. I was able to come home, and look at my sweet kiddos sleeping, and
take comfort in them. Another sweet blessing was my ultrasound tech right
before my surgery. He was very kind, and opened up about his own wife that lost
their third baby. He asked if we knew the gender. I shared that we hadn’t
learned it yet. He asked, “Would you like to know?” “Yes, please!” “It looks
like a little boy to me,” he said. Elliot has been saying for about a month
that he wanted to name the baby “Peter” if it was a boy. So Peter it is.
Above all, my husband has been an
incredible blessing. He was able to find replacements for him at church, and
just focused on caring for me and the kids throughout the week. He let me sleep
and be lazy. He drove me to all the appointments, and listened to all my
thoughts, concerns, and prayers. I praise God for my godly and loving husband!
This is just my story. I don’t
pretend to know your story, or what infant loss has been like for you. I can’t
imagine how hard it must be to have a stillbirth, or an older child die. But I
do know a good God that has a plan, and you can trust in Him. He has satisfied
me and strengthened me. He can do the same for you.
