I Had Post-Partum Depression

Confession: I had post-partum depression.

I'm a big fan of mental health awareness. I hate the idea of people suffering alone in their minds with no realization that there is help, or that it is ok to seek help. And so I write this post.

For the past 4-5 years, I have struggled on and off with tendencies toward anxiety and depression. I am your typical "high-functioning anxiety" sufferer. I'm a perfectionist who can never quite achieve enough to satisfy myself, and I attack myself with nervous habits, such as picking at my skin. For years, I determined to try to help myself with more Bible study, exercise, adequate sleep, and eating healthier. But my perfectionism killed this endeavor, because I could never achieve a perfect schedule or balance for all of these things.

I attended counseling for months. It helped a great deal, but I still experienced multiple tearful, angry breakdowns every week.

When I became pregnant, I was so excited. But I was also terrified because I was just sure I would be a horrible mother. Post-partum depression loomed ahead of me like an impending hurricane. And yet, I was able to put on a good face most of the time, and really was genuinely excited to have a baby on the way. So I got to work planning on how I would try to fight post-partum depression naturally. I had my essential oils ready, and even arranged to have my placenta encapsulated, so that I could ingest it post-partum. Eek!

The big day came and went, and Trevor and I were home with a precious baby boy! Trevor's first day back to work was only two days after being home from the hospital. I bawled as he walked out the door, unsure of how on earth I would care for this infant by myself. By the time two weeks had passed, it was very clear to both Trevor and I that I needed medical help. I had a list of all the possible symptoms of Post-partum depression, and I met 10 out of 11 of them. I have two family members that committed suicide in the last few years, and I was determined to learn from them. After much prayer and research, I called the doctor, spoke with a nurse, and picked up a prescription.

Three days later it was like a light had been flipped back on inside of me. The difference of my demeanor, mindset, attitude, and emotions were indescribable. I felt more alive and joyful than I had in YEARS. And I realized that I probably should have made the move to meds a long time before.

So fast forward to today. I am now ten months post-partum, and still feeling great. Because of my college psychology education, however, I know that these types of medications don't always have to be long term. Some people need them for life, and that's ok. But knowing the possible side effects of long-term use, and recognizing the effects on future pregnancies, I decided a few weeks ago to try to wean off my medication. (I did this of course under the direction of my doctor and a former counselor.)

I have been weaning VERY slowly, much more so than advised by the nurse I spoke with on the phone. So far, I've only experienced one strong emotional struggle, but was able to come out of it within a couple hours with the help of my oils, Jesus, and Trevor. When I was in the midst of my darkest days, none of these could penetrate the darkness. I was not thinking clearly, and honestly wanted to die. But now that the medication has brought me back to reality, my normal "uplifters" are able to stabilize me for smaller emotional/mental struggles.

I share my story to really say a few things:

1) Advocate for your own mental health. Your doctor will not do it for you, and your family often doesn't know how. Be informed. Be self-aware. Know your options, and don't be afraid to talk about it.

2) Try everything. The worst outcome of mental illness is suicide. Never give up trying. I always recommend starting with counseling and natural methods, but do not be afraid to try medication. I feel it should be the last option, but it IS an option! In fact, it might be a life or death option.

3) Your mental illness is a part of your story, but it is not YOU. My struggles shape who I am, but they do not define me. In the end, I discovered that my mental illness (in its worst state) completely overshadowed the real me. I am so thankful I took the plunge to begin meds, and I am so thankful that I've advocated for myself  to wean off of them.

Let me know your story! What has helped you on your journey toward mental health?




***Note: I am not a doctor. Any advice is simply advice, and should not be seen as professional direction. I do not claim that essential oils can heal or prevent any disease or illness. Again, advocate and research for yourself, and care for your body and mind.

My Neighbors are Weird

Truth: My neighbors are weird.

Now while the individuals I share a section of duplexes with are rather quirky, they're not who I'm talking about. One street over, however, reside numerous mentally ill people. And they're weird. They dress weird, say weird things, and walk the streets in a, well... weird fashion. And since we live in such close proximity, they find it perfectly normal to walk right through my yard, say hello as they pass, and greet my dog whom they know by name.

Now for the normal person, this might be a little frightening, because schizophrenia can be downright creepy. But since I've had the privilege of taking many courses on psychology, and working with the mentally ill in the past, I recognize that there is really very little to fear. Just a few moments ago, in fact, I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and greeted one of my weird neighbors who frequents my yard. She had disheveled hair, 3 protruding teeth, sagging skin, and random attire. She announced that she's pregnant with twins due in June! Though she is obviously showing no sign of such a progressed gestation, I congratulated her and complimented the name choices she shared with me. I called the dog over to greet our neighbor, and she was happy to pet her head. We finished our small conversation, and she was on her way.

As my weird neighbor left, my heart was heavy. I wondered how many people on a daily basis do not give this woman the decency of a smile and a small conversation. I wondered if her family still visited her, if she even knew she had any family at this point. I wondered what she was like before she became mentally ill. I paused for a moment and prayed for her, for her safety, happiness, and relationship with God. I prayed that somewhere deep down, God would draw her to love and trust Him in the tiniest parts of her sanity. I dreamed and pictured her one day standing before God, whole in her mind, and praising Him.

Then I sat down at my computer and began to write, and here we are.
Mental illness is not pretty. It's raw and isolating and tearful and terrifying. Be kind and patient to those around you experiencing mental illness. They're not crazy, they're sick.

Believe me, I know.

Because I am one of them.

~ Tarah

I'm a Fake Health Nut

Confession: I'm a fake health nut.

If you know me personally, or at least occasionally notice my posts pop up on your newsfeed, you might think that I'm a bit of a health nut. And to be honest, that's what I want you to think. But sadly, the truth is, I'm a fake. I'm a mall Santa. I look like the real deal, but it's just a show.

Sure, I like to post pics of super healthy breakfasts and me jogging 2 miles at 29 weeks pregnant. What you don't see is a picture of the pepperoni and dessert pizzas I picked up one night after telling my husband, "I just want to eat trash and watch a movie." Social media is funny that way. Due to the fact that we get to choose what everyone sees about our lives, we are able to filter out the imperfections, and present our best selves. The downside to this, however, is that we often view the beautiful lives of others, and falsely believe that it is the true description of their lives. This leaves us jealous, depressed, and more disconnected than ever.

So here I am, busting out the truth.

In my mind, I have this picture of who I want to be health-wise. This girl that has no sugar in her home, creates beautiful organic meals every day from her garden, and has no cravings for junk food. She additionally does yoga, running, and strength exercises daily, all while caring for her 4 month old baby, cleaning her chemical-free home, and supporting her husband with gentleness and respect...

Have I mentioned I have an issue with perfectionism?

Sadly, I'm afraid this is the picture I put forth on social media. And it's quite possible that some have even felt jealousy, depression, or personal disconnection because of my posts. That thought saddens me. What I've come to realize, is that health is a journey, and a very personal one at that. My journey began in college, when a close friend shared about how God showed her that the way she treated her body affected her spiritually. I began to dive into Scripture, and these words leaped off the page at me:

"Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food."
~ Isaiah 55:1-2

"For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things." ~ Philippians 3:18-19

God suddenly opened my eyes to this reality that my body belonged to Him, and I was to honor Him with it. Healthy eating and exercise took on a completely new dimension. This wasn't just about fitting into a certain size, or looking like Heidi Klum. This was about WORSHIP! (Of course I know these verses are metaphors for how God's people are to fill themselves with His Spirit, rather than earthly desires. But the literal meaning of the words apply as well.) So I began to learn more about nutrition and exercise, and I suddenly enjoyed them. However, this understanding came after about 19 years of picky eating, an extreme love of ice cream, and pathetic non-athleticism. Seriously, you guys. I'm not exaggerating. One of my famous quotes is, "If my life is ever in the hands of my athletic ability, I'm doomed." And when it comes to healthy eating, let's just say I ate my first salad in college. I had a long way to go.

And I still do.

On this health journey of mine, I'm learning to give myself some grace. For instance, that night my husband and I ate loads of pizza and watched a movie? Instead of just throwing up my hands and saying, "Oh well, forget it, I'll just eat crap all week," I thought, "You know what? That pizza was scrumptious... And it made me feel like dooky. I'm gonna take that into account next time I want to binge on pizza." And I moved on! One more example: Last summer I started looking into essential oils. I loved the thought of using them for my family's health and well-being. But I thought, "I can't use essential oils until my diet is perfect. It would just be pointless otherwise." Eventually, I realized food perfection was a long way off, and went ahead and ordered the oils. And guess what? I LOVE them, and because I'm using the oils, I'm even more motivated to make other healthy choices.

You see where I'm going with this? It's really easy to make excuses about healthy choices, and to use black and white thinking. None of us are suddenly going to wake up and be America Ninja Warriors. It's a journey, with one small healthy choice at a time. So whatever it is that you've been wanting to try - a clean eating challenge, a yoga video, an essential oil - go for it! And when you slip up, just keep on trucking! You can do it!

So yeah, I'm a fake health nut. But it's alright, I'm getting there. ;)

~ Tarah

My Natural Birth was Selfish

Confession: My natural birth was selfish.

Ok, now before you hippie mamas freak out, read on.

About three months ago, I birthed a beautiful baby boy with no induction, no pain meds, and no epidural. On many levels, I chose this route for the health of my son. I wanted him to come into this world with as little medicinal intervention as possible. However, I also made this decision selfishly. Let me explain.

I have been an achiever my entire life . I loved school, LOVED school! I made straight A's, graduated high school valedictorian, and continued that trend of excellence in college. After graduating summa cum laude, I married an awesome, godly man...

And I sucked at keeping a job, loving my husband, and just adult-ing in general. No matter what I tried, I felt like I was failing. I couldn't even eek out a B- in life. I was getting straight F's. Eventually, my husband let me quit working to be a housewife because my anxiety levels were through the roof. And I loved it!... but I felt like a big fat failure.

Soon after, God blessed us with our first pregnancy, and some friends shared with me about natural birth. The more I read and learned, the more I loved the concepts behind birthing naturally. But I thought I could never do it. There was no way I could handle the pain; I'm such a wimp.

But then I considered the fact that if I went through with this natural birth, I would feel like She-Woman! If I could push a human out of my body, and feel every bit of it, I could accomplish anything! Oh, there were nay-sayers aplenty. "Just wait until you feel those contractions. You'll cave!" A nurse even laughed in my face when I told her I was not planning on getting an epidural. I couldn't wait to prove them all wrong.

So I did. Through much screaming, but I did it. Twelve long hours of painful labor, and out he came.

And boy was I glad for it to be over. That feeling of accomplishment? Oh yeah, it was there. ;)

Then I went home. I remember crying in the night, rocking a screaming baby, and blubbering out, "Any wimp can have natural birth. Caring for a newborn is the hardest thing in the world!" I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Over the next several weeks, I learned a very important lesson.

For me, pregnancy and birth were concepts to be mastered, achievements to be won. Motherhood, however, does not play out that way. I thought I could conquer the world if I could only succeed at this one major task of natural birth. But I've realized that parenting consists of daily battles that both hurt and bless, like birth. And it's in those daily battles that I must learn to relinquish control and let God accomplish goodness through me.

So do I think my natural birth was wasted? Absolutely not! It was one of the most incredible and terrifying experiences of my life, and I will totally do it again. Do I feel like she-woman? Sometimes. :) But mostly I'm daily reminded that I can do nothing without Christ. When I seek out achievements to lift myself up, I'm left feeling empty and defeated. But with Him, I am more than a conqueror.