I Had Post-Partum Depression

Confession: I had post-partum depression.

I'm a big fan of mental health awareness. I hate the idea of people suffering alone in their minds with no realization that there is help, or that it is ok to seek help. And so I write this post.

For the past 4-5 years, I have struggled on and off with tendencies toward anxiety and depression. I am your typical "high-functioning anxiety" sufferer. I'm a perfectionist who can never quite achieve enough to satisfy myself, and I attack myself with nervous habits, such as picking at my skin. For years, I determined to try to help myself with more Bible study, exercise, adequate sleep, and eating healthier. But my perfectionism killed this endeavor, because I could never achieve a perfect schedule or balance for all of these things.

I attended counseling for months. It helped a great deal, but I still experienced multiple tearful, angry breakdowns every week.

When I became pregnant, I was so excited. But I was also terrified because I was just sure I would be a horrible mother. Post-partum depression loomed ahead of me like an impending hurricane. And yet, I was able to put on a good face most of the time, and really was genuinely excited to have a baby on the way. So I got to work planning on how I would try to fight post-partum depression naturally. I had my essential oils ready, and even arranged to have my placenta encapsulated, so that I could ingest it post-partum. Eek!

The big day came and went, and Trevor and I were home with a precious baby boy! Trevor's first day back to work was only two days after being home from the hospital. I bawled as he walked out the door, unsure of how on earth I would care for this infant by myself. By the time two weeks had passed, it was very clear to both Trevor and I that I needed medical help. I had a list of all the possible symptoms of Post-partum depression, and I met 10 out of 11 of them. I have two family members that committed suicide in the last few years, and I was determined to learn from them. After much prayer and research, I called the doctor, spoke with a nurse, and picked up a prescription.

Three days later it was like a light had been flipped back on inside of me. The difference of my demeanor, mindset, attitude, and emotions were indescribable. I felt more alive and joyful than I had in YEARS. And I realized that I probably should have made the move to meds a long time before.

So fast forward to today. I am now ten months post-partum, and still feeling great. Because of my college psychology education, however, I know that these types of medications don't always have to be long term. Some people need them for life, and that's ok. But knowing the possible side effects of long-term use, and recognizing the effects on future pregnancies, I decided a few weeks ago to try to wean off my medication. (I did this of course under the direction of my doctor and a former counselor.)

I have been weaning VERY slowly, much more so than advised by the nurse I spoke with on the phone. So far, I've only experienced one strong emotional struggle, but was able to come out of it within a couple hours with the help of my oils, Jesus, and Trevor. When I was in the midst of my darkest days, none of these could penetrate the darkness. I was not thinking clearly, and honestly wanted to die. But now that the medication has brought me back to reality, my normal "uplifters" are able to stabilize me for smaller emotional/mental struggles.

I share my story to really say a few things:

1) Advocate for your own mental health. Your doctor will not do it for you, and your family often doesn't know how. Be informed. Be self-aware. Know your options, and don't be afraid to talk about it.

2) Try everything. The worst outcome of mental illness is suicide. Never give up trying. I always recommend starting with counseling and natural methods, but do not be afraid to try medication. I feel it should be the last option, but it IS an option! In fact, it might be a life or death option.

3) Your mental illness is a part of your story, but it is not YOU. My struggles shape who I am, but they do not define me. In the end, I discovered that my mental illness (in its worst state) completely overshadowed the real me. I am so thankful I took the plunge to begin meds, and I am so thankful that I've advocated for myself  to wean off of them.

Let me know your story! What has helped you on your journey toward mental health?




***Note: I am not a doctor. Any advice is simply advice, and should not be seen as professional direction. I do not claim that essential oils can heal or prevent any disease or illness. Again, advocate and research for yourself, and care for your body and mind.